Ahhhh...

As I was waiting for the last hour of work to roll on by, I decided to read up on some of my past posts. It's been more than a while since I've given any attention to this blog and it was long overdue. Interesting enough, I found a couple of posts where I was truly at a crossroads in my life. Reading the thoughts that I once felt took me back to that time when I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its wonderful to use writing as a way to document your journeys in life, and in return it allows you to go back and see the real growth of ones existence.

Almost a year later, I can say I am in such a great place. All of those trials I went thru last year did in fact happen for a reason. At that point, all I could see was the pain and agony of what I was going thru but in reality it set me up for where I am at today. Had I not experienced all those things, I probably would be stuck in that 8 year relationship still holding on by a thread. As much as I will always love my ex, he and I were not meant to be together, forever. We were kids, who grew up together, and in turn, held on to the memories along the way. We were scared to venture off to others, and when we did, we always ran back to each other. After a few infidelities, I finally smartened up and realized that this would be my life if I didn't make a permanent change. It took a lot of courage and tears to finally leave, but I did. I took the time to figure out what I wanted, let alone needed. I found myself, and am still very much on that journey.

I am now embarking on a new relationship with a man who is equal to me. If anything, he motivates me to be a better woman and I can honestly say he completes me. I am trying my hardest not to allow my past relationship effect my new relationship as there are in fact two different men. Am I tainted? Yes. I was lied to and cheated on more than once and I now have a hard time trusting anyone. Will I let that get in the way? Absolutely not. It would be the biggest mistake of my life if I were to allow the fear of getting hurt keep me from falling in love. This man is wonderful in so many ways and has truly showed me what a partnership is really about. The funny thing is that it is still the beginning, so there is still so much more to come...if I allow it.

Actually this past week was a big one for me. I made some significant changes in my life that will allow more love and opportunities to flow thru and I couldn't be happier. After a long time, I am finally excited about my future. I now think about marriage, kids, the whole nine...where as before...It just was not even a thought. There is still so much to be revealed as I grow into the woman that I am destined to be and I am doing it all with no regrets, or hesitance!

xoxo,

T

Love is a bitch I prefer not to fuck with...

It's been at least fifteen days since I've heard anything from you. I've tried to be patient and give you the benefit of the doubt. I guess not hearing back from you after this long should have given me a clue long ago. Even still, I refuse to think I am naive and instead believe in what you told me. You told me a lot, and I believed it. I still do in some way. I would like to think that a good part of who I am still believes in people, hoping to see the best of ones self. I saw that in you. I guess I wanted to believe you were different because I could see thru that harsh exterior you portray, except I'm not sure which one is the real you...
I was hoping that you would appear, eventually. I wanted to believe what we had was real and it could blossom into something amazing. That one day, in the future, you and I could have a future together. You told me you wanted more than just a friendship with me and I did too. Who really knows if that was ever a possibility, but the moments I shared with you allowed me to believe so. I know that we have both changed from what we once were, and life is much more complicated than we can imagine, but no matter how much I try to deny what I feel, It's real. It's realer than anything else I've ever known. Instead of denying it, I have accepted it for what it is. It was comforting and amazing. It was beautiful and I would much rather remember you like that then this...

I've finally came to the conclusion after much thought that everything happens for a reason. I mean I've always known that but the stubborn side of me wanted you and I didn't want to let you go. I can't wish something into existence if it's simply not meant to be and I certainly can't convince you to feel something you clearly do not. Just like you told me you can't convince me to be with you, or to let go of my past to move on to you, my possible future, I had to realize that on my own... and I did. You were the one that I wanted to build something with and thrive off of each others success. I'm not sure if it was too late by the time I figured it all out or not good timing but it's all pointless now. I may not know exactly what the reason of you coming back into my life was but I did learn what I want, and what I don't want. Thank you  for coming back into my life once again to show me this. To open me up to something that I yearn for one day. I had a connection with you that I hope I will have with my future partner. I'm not sure if you have read any of the letters that I have sent you, but they are the rawest form of my emotions. I have never been so open with my thoughts to another but it allowed me to express how I really felt. I don't regret not one word that I have wrote, spoke or felt. It's real and I felt them for a reason. Maybe all these emotions pushed you farther away. Maybe I should have pretended not to care and maybe you would be here. Either way, that wasn't how I really felt and I can't be fake. It's just not me. As much as I am affected from this short chapter in my life, I will never forget it or you. In the end, I know I tried. I know that after everything, no matter how hurt I felt, I reached out and put all my ego aside and laid my true feelings on the table. It was hard, but I did it. If nothing else, I tried to hold you down and love you.

No matter what, we have been friends for years, and I will never let that go. You will always hold something special in my heart. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and I wish nothing but the best for you and yours.

No clue what the lesson was here, but I suppose I will figure it out sooner than later.