It's been at least fifteen days since I've heard anything from you. I've tried to be patient and give you the benefit of the doubt. I guess not hearing back from you after this long should have given me a clue long ago. Even still, I refuse to think I am naive and instead believe in what you told me. You told me a lot, and I believed it. I still do in some way. I would like to think that a good part of who I am still believes in people, hoping to see the best of ones self. I saw that in you. I guess I wanted to believe you were different because I could see thru that harsh exterior you portray, except I'm not sure which one is the real you...
I was hoping that you would appear, eventually. I wanted to believe what we had was real and it could blossom into something amazing. That one day, in the future, you and I could have a future together. You told me you wanted more than just a friendship with me and I did too. Who really knows if that was ever a possibility, but the moments I shared with you allowed me to believe so. I know that we have both changed from what we once were, and life is much more complicated than we can imagine, but no matter how much I try to deny what I feel, It's real. It's realer than anything else I've ever known. Instead of denying it, I have accepted it for what it is. It was comforting and amazing. It was beautiful and I would much rather remember you like that then this...
I've finally came to the conclusion after much thought that everything happens for a reason. I mean I've always known that but the stubborn side of me wanted you and I didn't want to let you go. I can't wish something into existence if it's simply not meant to be and I certainly can't convince you to feel something you clearly do not. Just like you told me you can't convince me to be with you, or to let go of my past to move on to you, my possible future, I had to realize that on my own... and I did. You were the one that I wanted to build something with and thrive off of each others success. I'm not sure if it was too late by the time I figured it all out or not good timing but it's all pointless now. I may not know exactly what the reason of you coming back into my life was but I did learn what I want, and what I don't want. Thank you for coming back into my life once again to show me this. To open me up to something that I yearn for one day. I had a connection with you that I hope I will have with my future partner. I'm not sure if you have read any of the letters that I have sent you, but they are the rawest form of my emotions. I have never been so open with my thoughts to another but it allowed me to express how I really felt. I don't regret not one word that I have wrote, spoke or felt. It's real and I felt them for a reason. Maybe all these emotions pushed you farther away. Maybe I should have pretended not to care and maybe you would be here. Either way, that wasn't how I really felt and I can't be fake. It's just not me. As much as I am affected from this short chapter in my life, I will never forget it or you. In the end, I know I tried. I know that after everything, no matter how hurt I felt, I reached out and put all my ego aside and laid my true feelings on the table. It was hard, but I did it. If nothing else, I tried to hold you down and love you.
No matter what, we have been friends for years, and I will never let that go. You will always hold something special in my heart. I will continue to keep you in my thoughts and I wish nothing but the best for you and yours.
No clue what the lesson was here, but I suppose I will figure it out sooner than later.
